Dabbling in Determinism

After two set years in grad school, glued to one region of the world and one main task, it is strange to come upon another fork in the road. I think about all the people I might have been. This is a very real consideration to me. As I see it, the roads I have taken have lead me to a very specific identity (or, at least, some very specific roles). A career. A last name. Maybe I would have been "Mrs. Smith, MSW" regardless. If the nature of time is fixed, as we understand it to be in the past, then I'm willing to see the future in a similar fashion. But my perception is that I have a lot of choices coming up. I could work clinically, leading to an LCSW and growing a certain set of skills. Or I could work in the macro-level, collecting and analyzing data, influencing policy, and growing a completely different set of skills. Both are within me. Another split: I could return to Thailand or Guatemala and really solidify a second language, feel that constant challenge and self reflection offered by a cross-cultural vantage, and really begin to align myself with those fighting poverty and oppression. Not to mention, I might eventually be able to eat spicy food without crying through my nose. Or, following another path, I could live with nine close friends in the mountains of West Virginia, tending to my own physical, psychological, and social health, making a positive impact on the world by having intentional relationships with the land and people, and being perfectly content to smell like butter the rest of my life (as I am told those of us from the US do). I am discouraged to consider the inability to do both. I am relieved to remember that some choices are not mine. If my husband's contract is renewed, we probably wont go to Guatemala. If I don't get a macro-level job, I'll probably work clinically, and vice versa. And I balance my (un)controllables with those of a million other people, towards a collective future yet unseen.

I know this - what I do now, in this moment, to grow mindfulness or relationship or integrity or discipline or learning or self-acceptance or joy, will follow me in whatever role I fill, and whatever future (fated or yielding) I live.